For the past 12 years, every time I’ve eaten - whether it’s been a regular meal, a snack, or a binge - I’ve struggled with what feels like an unstoppable urge to purge. It doesn’t matter if it’s been planned or completely spur-of-the-moment. The cycle has been relentless.
I hate it. I hate that something I once believed was a way to control my life has ended up controlling me instead.
During therapy, I talked about this with my therapist, admitting how impossible it feels to break that cycle. We worked on strategies, and one thing that stuck with me was the idea of distractions. The advice was simple: find something to do after eating, something you genuinely enjoy, and let it shift your focus.
At first, I didn’t think it would work. Sitting around in my feelings after eating has always been the hardest part for me. But this past weekend, I managed something I didn’t think was possible. I want to share what happened - not just because it feels like progress, but because I hope it might help someone else who’s struggling too.
Friday: The Urge to Purge
On Friday, a close friend came to visit from London and stayed the night. I was so excited to see her, especially because it meant showing her around my hometown of Manchester. That evening, we went out for drinks after I ate at home.
After eating, I felt that familiar pull - the urge to purge creeping in like it always does. But instead of acting on it, I focused on the evening. I kept my attention on her, the conversation, and our plans for the night. Even when I went to the bathroom, I didn’t give in.
(Side note: I once joked in therapy about “resisting the urge to purge,” and the phrase made me cry-laugh because it sounded like something a cartoon villain might shout: “I HAVE THE URGE… THE URGE TO PURGE!” Even now, thinking about it makes me giggle through the discomfort. I still reckon my therapist was debating whether or not to diagnose me with some other type of crazy during this session).
When I got home that night, I realised I’d made it through an entire evening without purging. I can’t remember the last time I managed that. It felt like a small victory, but it was massive to me.
Saturday: Gel Nails and Gyozas
Saturday started strong. My friend and I went out for brunch, and I felt determined to build on Friday’s success. As we ate, I stayed mindful of how I was feeling—stronger, more in control.
We spent the day wandering around Manchester, shopping, chatting, and laughing. We treated ourselves to arancini later in the afternoon, and even though it was incredibly filling and left me feeling a bit uncomfortable, I didn’t let those feelings overwhelm me.
When we got back to mine, we decided to paint our nails. I recently bought a gel nail kit with a UV lamp because I wanted to learn a new skill (and, honestly, save myself a bit of money in the long run). It turns out I’m not too bad at it, and I loved the process of choosing colours and taking my time with it. (I went with little lavender plants with tiny little bees and thought they were so cute - peep the image at the top of the blog).
By the time my friend left that evening, I felt amazing. I’d eaten well all day, kept everything down, and genuinely enjoyed myself.
Then came a moment of unexpected temptation. Taking my dog for a walk, I noticed a Malaysian pop-up food stall outside my local pub. I’d tried it before and loved it, so I couldn’t resist. I bought vegan chicken in sticky soy sauce and some extra gyozas for good measure.
Back home, I sat down, ate the meal, and… still didn’t purge. Instead, I went straight back to my gel nails, totally absorbed in experimenting with designs and colours. For the first time in ages, I didn’t feel controlled by the urge.
I can’t tell you how proud I was of that day. Small victories, right?
Sunday: A Roast to Remember
Sunday brought its own challenges. My in-laws came over, and we usually go out for a meal when they visit. They’re aware of my eating disorder, which is supportive but also anxiety-inducing. When people know about it, I can’t help but feel like they’re watching me more closely, paying attention to what I eat and how I behave.
Before lunch, I had a long chat with my mother-in-law (to be). We spoke about eating disorders and recovery, and for the first time in a while, I felt comfortable talking about it. The conversation put me at ease, and when we headed out for a roast later, I felt less tense.
And here’s the part I never thought I’d write: I ate the entire roast dinner. Yorkshire puddings, stuffing, roast potatoes, gravy—the works. And I didn’t purge.
It was a surreal moment. I left the meal feeling full but not panicked, proud but still processing what I’d just achieved.
Why Distractions Work
I won’t pretend this week has been perfect. There have been moments where I’ve slipped back into old habits, and that’s frustrating. But when I’ve made the effort to distract myself, it’s worked.
Painting my nails, chatting with loved ones, walking my dog, or even just staying busy with something simple has helped me stay present and avoid those moments of spiralling.
One thing I’ve noticed through all of this is just how much eating disorders rob you of joy. They make it hard to focus on anything but the disorder itself. Distractions don’t fix everything, but they’ve given me glimpses of what life could be like without that constant noise in my head.
This weekend reminded me that recovery is possible - even if it’s just one small victory at a time. Those wins matter. They add up.
So here’s to distractions, gel nails, arancini, and vegan chicken. Here’s to learning that I can have these moments and keep going.
If you’re reading this and struggling, know you’re not alone. Distractions might not solve everything, but they could help you find those little pockets of joy and progress along the way. It took a minute to work for me, but have a go at distracting yourself with something positive after food.
As Always: Help Is Available:
Helplines are open Monday - Friday, 3pm - 8pm:
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