In therapy, I was asked to write down my goals and reasons for wanting to recover from bulimia.
At first, this felt like a strange exercise—part of me thought, 'Isn’t it obvious why I’d want to get better? ', but as I started to put pen to paper, I realised how important this step really is.
Recovery is only possible if you truly want it, and until now, I’d never taken the time to really examine my reasons, let alone to connect them with what I hope my life could look like without my eating disorder.
Writing out my reasons has been grounding. It’s given me a set of guideposts to lean on when things feel hard. These goals remind me why I’m choosing to fight for myself, even when the disorder feels familiar and comforting in its own dark way.
My Canon Event
There comes a time when even the most ingrained habits and the hardest-to-break cycles show you their true cost.
For me, that moment wasn’t about looking in the mirror or stepping on a scale - it was seeing my partner, someone who loves me deeply, break down because of what my eating disorder has done to me. Somehow, up until that moment, I hadn’t fully seen my bulimia as the emergency it truly is. But I see it now. And I’m ready to try, really try, to get better. Here’s why.
Reflecting on the Pain I've Caused Myself
One of the most difficult things I’ve come to realise is the sheer pain I’ve put myself through - pain I would never wish on anyone, especially not on my younger self.
When I think back to the little girl I once was, happy in her own skin and unburdened by all these struggles, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. I would never have wanted her to grow up and endure this.
In therapy, when I was asked to think about my goals for recovery, I thought of her. She didn’t deserve this, and neither do I now. But I’ve made a choice: I’m working on getting better, for both of us. I want to live in a way that would make her proud - to find that love for myself that she once had and bring it back into my life now.
As I take these steps toward healing, I carry her with me. In moments when I feel weak or uncertain, I remind myself that this journey isn’t just for me as I am now - it’s also for her, and for the future I hope to create where I feel whole again.
I Want to Live Longer and Healthier
My eating disorder has already taken a toll on my health, and I know that will only worsen if I don’t make a change. Recently, I experienced a major health scare with a quinsy infection, a severe complication from tonsillitis that landed me in the hospital. This occurred after purging with tonsillitis.
My doctor told me it was one of the worst he’d seen, which jolted me into realising that my body might not always bounce back as it has in the past. I want to be here, not just existing but really living a life that I can enjoy. I want to keep undoing the damage I’m causing.
I Want to Protect My Teeth and Physical Health
Over the years, I’ve spent so much money on repairs—especially on my teeth, which have taken the brunt of my disorder.
Beyond the financial cost, there’s an emotional weight to it. Every time I visit the dentist, it’s a reminder of how much I’ve hurt my body. I want to protect my health, to invest in myself in a way that builds me up instead of tearing me down. I want to move toward healing, toward building up my body instead of tearing it down.
The Dream of Becoming a Mother and Being a Role Model
One of the most important dreams I have is the possibility of becoming a mother. To do that, I know I need to be healthy, not only to carry a pregnancy but also to be the kind of role model a child deserves. I want to be someone who embodies self-love and respect, who can pass those values on.
As the oldest of six siblings, I’ve always had younger eyes looking up to me, too. My brothers and sisters see me as a role model, and I want to show them what strength and self-acceptance look like. I want them to see me choose a better life for myself.
Healing My Relationship with Food and My Body
For so long, food has been a weapon I’ve used against myself, and I want to change that. I want to sit down to a meal with friends, family, or colleagues and just be present—enjoying it without the constant calculations, shame, or the urge to purge. I want to be able to eat what I want without guilt, without the cycle of punishment and control that’s governed my relationship with food for so long.
I also want to feel at peace in my body, to experience my own appearance without shame or disgust. I know I’ll never feel “perfect,” but I’d love to feel comfortable, to be able to accept myself as I am.
Freedom from Shame and Secrecy
Bulimia is often a hidden struggle, and keeping it hidden has created its own pain.
I’m tired of feeling the need to mask my struggle, of worrying that others can tell, of smelling sick and feeling ashamed. I want to be able to interact with others without this constant cloud of secrecy hanging over me.
Recovery, to me, means reclaiming a sense of ease around other people, allowing myself to show up as I am without hiding.
A Life Full of Possibility
Most of all, I want a life that’s bigger and more fulfilling than the one I’ve known with my eating disorder.
I want a future full of possibility, where I can make choices based on what makes me happy and healthy, not just what satisfies my disorder. I want to be someone who builds a life worth living, who can look back and say I didn’t let this illness take everything from me.
Here's Your Homework...
Take some time to sit down with a pen and paper, or open up a blank document, the notes app on your phone - whatever's easiest.
Write out your own reasons for wanting to recover. Be honest and personal - these goals are for you alone, so don’t hold back. Think about all the things you want for your life, big and small, that recovery could make possible.
Here are a few prompts to get you started:
What moments made you realise it was time to consider recovery?
How would a life free from your eating disorder look and feel?
What relationships, dreams, or experiences do you want to nurture?
What future moments do you want to be fully present for?
You can come back to these reasons when you need a reminder of why recovery is worth it. Even on the hard days, your goals are there to guide and ground you.
It's a simple exercise, but it's a step that I hope you'll find as valuable as I have.
I'll be back very soon.
For now, help is available: BEAT: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
Helplines are open Monday - Friday, 3pm - 8pm:
England: 0808 801 0677 Scotland: 0808 801 0432 Wales: 0808 801 0433 Northern Ireland: 0808 801 0434
*I’m not affiliated with the charity BEAT, but I’m sharing their details as they’re a highly reputable eating disorder charity in the UK offering invaluable support.
Bethan :)
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